And it goes on.

Oh my word, it has been months. I've fallen into this crevasse of apathy where I provide the same regurgitated response to anyone who asks "how are you?" or "what's new?" Rather than the typical "Oh, you know. I like my job but it's hard sometimes. So it goes," let me inform you of how I really am, and what is really new.

1. Well beyond graduated. 6 months past graduation, actually. Wahoo! There is something so satisfying in not worrying about assignments, finals, due dates. I love coming home, sitting on my couch, and staring at a blank wall. The void in my head is startlingly welcome. I don't mean that in the sense that my head is void of thought; rather, that I love the simplicity of my schedule and the fact that work is work is work. And I'm done as soon as work is done. And I don't have to think about what's next to accomplish on my list. There's a space where I can say, "There is nothing more that needs doing today" and I am satisfied with that.

2. Job. So, remember that void in my head? That was dramatic. My head is opposite of void when it comes to work. I absolutely love my job. I get to learn from and love people every day. I've been taught patience, resilience, how to stand up for other people, how to stand up for myself, how to hold my bladder for a 12 hour shift, etc. All good skills, of course. The emotional life of this new oncology nurse is terribly rewarding and terribly tragic. There is grief that weighs heavy on this heart every single day, but each ounce of happiness, of success, stretches miles beyond the tragedy to make it all worth it. And in this arena of fresh emotions, learning to compartmentalize is a skill I have yet to rein in, but I'm learning. And that's ok. And it's also ok that I know approximately 10% of what I need to know in this new position. But, I'm learning and I want to learn and I'm thirsty for new experiences. And that's healthy, I think.

3. Fremont. Whoa, love this place. It's been a blast exploring a different neighborhood of Seattle...to consider another area besides Capitol Hill, home. The shops, bars, restaurants remind me of an I-SPY book....there's something new every time I walk around. It has been hard to be so far from friends though. The adjustment of such huge transitions is something all of us have been tested with, and we have had to be gentle with each other as we navigate our own paths at different speeds and obstacles. The one comfort that SUCON provided was the sentiment that "we're all in it together." We still are, but on parallel paths that are a far cry from being mirror images of each other. I just want my friends to know that I love them very much. Eventually this "transition" ish is going to be old news and when we stop living, breathing, and dreaming about work, life can resume as normal again.

4. Living with a boy. is. great. Especially my boy. I'll spare the details, but I am happy happy happy.

That's the update in a nutshell. Amazing how quickly life moves forward.
Until next time. <3

direction, in stone.

RACHEL WHITEHEAD JOHNSON, RN, BSN.

I can't believe that's my legit signature now. Four years of successes, failures, tears, adventures, laughter, heartbreak, hellos, goodbyes are now snapshots in a memory bank that is closing its vault on this chapter. No longer do I have to run in circles, answering to professors, the college of nursing, then NCLEX. I've tied my loose ends and can walk out from the walls of the last four years and close the door behind me.

sigh of relief

New adventures ahead. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of this journey, who has been a backbone of support, and who has laughed and shed tears along the way. This relief and pride is just as much yours as my own. I love you.

ch-ch-ch-changes

Why, hello there world-wide-web. It's been awhile. I guess I've been too busy being wrapped up in life than taking the time to confine it to words and publish it. Lots of big things have been happening, but in reflection, I don't know how to eloquently describe each event in a way that does it justice. Instead, I'll create a timeline of major events and let you imagine the details.

1. Danced naked in front of over a thousand people in my school's quad.

2.Walked out of my last final with a huge grin on my face.

3. Subsequently was welcomed into the nursing profession via a pinning ceremony and then welcomed into the world as a graduate.

4. Two hours later, welcomed a pseudo-sister into the family.

5. Had a little time to breathe, and then began a kansas city shuffle of humans throughout the downstairs as people moved out, camped out, and moved in.

6. Unofficially orchestrated the formation of a longboard gang.

7. Started working evening shift, said goodbye to social life, and began studying for NCLEX.

Currently, I can be found lounging on the couch with my laptop doing prep questions up the hoo-haa in anticipation for Wednesday's determination of whether or not I'm suited to be a registered nurse.

Am I happy? Why, yes, I am. I'm struggling a bit with the commitment to this job thing, which is ridiculous because I know it's a good fit and will really nurture me as I navigate what it means to be an RN. It's what's "RIGHT" and what I should be grateful for, but I feel like there's so much more out there and I need to break out of my comfort zone to figure myself out. My latest dream is to be thrown into the healthcare system in South America, become fluent in medical Spanish, and try that out for kicks. I want to make sure to have that little dream down in print somewhere because seeing it written makes it that much more attainable. I usually am such a planner but this new phase of my life and expectations for beyond are a reminder that I don't have to know everything that lies ahead of me, that there is beauty in spontaneity, and thrill in the undiscovered. I've been free of the education system for just over a month and I don't HAVE to have everything figured out. Whew, what a relief that is. What's important now is that I'm happy at this moment, surrounded by people I love, and can hear the Capitol Hill Block Party from 20 blocks away.

Happy Summer <3

Turn and face the strange,

Rachel

I feel...

overwhelmed.

exhausted.

like I could eat an entire sleeve of pringles and/or samoa girl scout cookies without thinking twice about it.

spring break reflection

Dear America,

How's it going? By now, headlines of Hurricane Katrina are decomposing in landfills and have been replaced with more recent news of tumultuous disasters world-wide. The floods in the Philippines, the earthquake in Haiti, the earthquake in Chile, the devastation in the Middle East that we gloss over because the stories have been told so many times it doesn't hurt us as sharply as it did when news broke for the first time. Katrina is a disaster easily forgotten because, after all, we're the United States! We're powerful and resilient and bounce back like a yo-yo when we're met with tragedy. I'm here to tell you that after a week in the vibrant city of New Orleans- there's still pain that stings as sharply as it did on Aug 29, 2005. Don't misunderstand me. The people of New Orleans are proud that the essence of their culture has not only prevailed but thrived in the wake of such turmoil. They have NOT been sitting around waiting for help. There is a fierceness in their courage and resilience that challenges each out-of-towner to NOT fall in love with the city, the surroundings, the people. They KNOW that their stories will grab our hearts and they are extremely humbled at the outpour of support that has come their way since the flood. Chris Rose, a former gossip columnist turned author post-Katrina, chronicles the disaster not as a "federal flood" as it is so commonly referred to but as "the success of the human spirit"--both in the support of the United States as a greater community reaching out in aid and also in the locals who refuse to give up on their city.

I'm not writing with the presumption that I understand at all what the people of New Orleans have been challenged with. I have never been faced with the amount of loss that they have. I'm writing from the perspective of curiosity--curiosity in a culture of a world that is reconstructing its history and its communities. I was welcomed with open arms and open hearts and return that way, asking you, America, with open arms and an open heart to allow your heart and soul to be grabbed by New Orleans. I traveled with Shirts Across America, a Seattle-based, student-led group and worked with St. Bernard Project to install insulation, drywall, and begin the mudding process on a house for a well-deserving family of 6 living in a FEMA trailer. The experience was incredible and if you're presented with opportunity, I encourage you to go down and build. They estimate 15-20 years before St. Bernard Parish and the Lower 9th Ward even begin to resemble what they did before the hurricane. Please help expedite that recovery! There are countless concrete slabs that once provided the framework for neighborhoods that need rebuilding. It's haunting to drive through neighborhoods that once held so much life but are currently abandoned in hope that they'll be targeted as the next block that needs rebuilding. If traveling south isn't feasible, I encourage you to explore the St. Bernard Project website and get impassioned to spread the word of the work that still needs to be done.

Obama's face is still on my wall. Progress is still a word I believe in. New Orleans is a part of our national community. Please be an active member in helping rebuild our community.

Sincerely,

Rachel

(above) abandoned lot, photo courtesy of Laura Deloach

(left) church- untouched since the storm, photo courtesy of Alex Tsway

Christmas!

I think I need to seek psychiatric help for my overactive imagination. I spent a week at my grandparents house in Connecticut for Christmas. Back in the day, when I was 7 or 8 years old I was sleeping downstairs in the basement. Alex was downstairs too and we had little twin beds side by side. I fell asleep early one night and woke up around 2 in the morning to a woman--I swear!!-- looking at me from the end of my bed. I was scared beyond belief. This woman had pitch black hair, bright purple eyeshadow, and long red fingernails. I can still see her in my head and it freaks the living daylights out of me. I closed my eyes and covered my head with the comforter and prayed. When I summoned the courage to peek at my toes again, she was gone so I raced upstairs to sleep with my mom. This holiday my aunt and uncle got the basement and I slept in my grandma's sewing room--a room adjacent to my parents' bedroom. Every night when I was tucked into my little cot, I tried to make that transition to dreamland as quickly as possible because I jumped out of my skin at every little bump or creak. By the end of the week my muscles were sore from being so tense. I haven't even watched a scary movie recently. Why do I do that? I think it stems back from that experience and my fear of someday finding out who that woman is.

Aside from the backache, the holiday was amazing and filled with cousins and family that I really cherish but don't get to see. It was the first time that side of my family had been together since I was 4 months old. 21 years later, I'd say we were due for a Christmas together. One of my highlights is that my grandpa, who is a historian and tells fascinating stories, took us on a late night tour Christmas Eve to look at all of the old captains houses and see Christmas decorations. Decorations are so different over there! It is rare to find a house that has plastic reindeer out front or lights adorning the gutters. Instead, the historic houses place a candle in every window of the house. The architecture is so OLD and a lot of the houses sport plaques that reveal the year the house was built and by whom. The snow on the bare trees combined with knee-high stone walls that run parallel to the streets created a huge feeling of nostalgia...for what, I don't know having never spent a Christmas on the East Coast. Maybe in a previous life I was colonial. Whatever, it was beautiful.

All in all, a great Christmas. I'm switching gears pretty quickly to embark on a ski adventure with some great friends. I'm really looking forward to welcoming the new year with friends and squeezing the last few drops of fun out of break before hell breaks loose next quarter.

Peace to everyone and safe travels.

R-

Hot and Cold

Last night I had a dream where someone asked me to list all the good things in my life. The dream lasted all night until I woke up. I guess my subconscious thought I needed a reminder.

...she was probably right.

In recent news, it's times like these--when swat teams are in the neighborhood and helicopters are swarming overhead looking for a killer on the loose--that I think back fondly on dorm living.