Christmas!

I think I need to seek psychiatric help for my overactive imagination. I spent a week at my grandparents house in Connecticut for Christmas. Back in the day, when I was 7 or 8 years old I was sleeping downstairs in the basement. Alex was downstairs too and we had little twin beds side by side. I fell asleep early one night and woke up around 2 in the morning to a woman--I swear!!-- looking at me from the end of my bed. I was scared beyond belief. This woman had pitch black hair, bright purple eyeshadow, and long red fingernails. I can still see her in my head and it freaks the living daylights out of me. I closed my eyes and covered my head with the comforter and prayed. When I summoned the courage to peek at my toes again, she was gone so I raced upstairs to sleep with my mom. This holiday my aunt and uncle got the basement and I slept in my grandma's sewing room--a room adjacent to my parents' bedroom. Every night when I was tucked into my little cot, I tried to make that transition to dreamland as quickly as possible because I jumped out of my skin at every little bump or creak. By the end of the week my muscles were sore from being so tense. I haven't even watched a scary movie recently. Why do I do that? I think it stems back from that experience and my fear of someday finding out who that woman is.

Aside from the backache, the holiday was amazing and filled with cousins and family that I really cherish but don't get to see. It was the first time that side of my family had been together since I was 4 months old. 21 years later, I'd say we were due for a Christmas together. One of my highlights is that my grandpa, who is a historian and tells fascinating stories, took us on a late night tour Christmas Eve to look at all of the old captains houses and see Christmas decorations. Decorations are so different over there! It is rare to find a house that has plastic reindeer out front or lights adorning the gutters. Instead, the historic houses place a candle in every window of the house. The architecture is so OLD and a lot of the houses sport plaques that reveal the year the house was built and by whom. The snow on the bare trees combined with knee-high stone walls that run parallel to the streets created a huge feeling of nostalgia...for what, I don't know having never spent a Christmas on the East Coast. Maybe in a previous life I was colonial. Whatever, it was beautiful.

All in all, a great Christmas. I'm switching gears pretty quickly to embark on a ski adventure with some great friends. I'm really looking forward to welcoming the new year with friends and squeezing the last few drops of fun out of break before hell breaks loose next quarter.

Peace to everyone and safe travels.

R-

Hot and Cold

Last night I had a dream where someone asked me to list all the good things in my life. The dream lasted all night until I woke up. I guess my subconscious thought I needed a reminder.

...she was probably right.

In recent news, it's times like these--when swat teams are in the neighborhood and helicopters are swarming overhead looking for a killer on the loose--that I think back fondly on dorm living.

This is how it goes...

Tonight I am celebrating my evening off from homework by wrapping myself in a blanket, making mashed potatoes from a box, and eating jalapeno stuffed olives to
a) console myself that at least I ate something for dinner and
b) warm myself from the inside out since my front door picked the perfect chilly day to crack in half.

That's a pretty fair representation of my quarter so far.

fish are jumping and the cotton is high

Just when I thought the tunnel couldn't get any darker, some higher being decided to pity me and slingshot me into this big, bright, wonderful world again. In other words: school's out for summer (yeah!) This last quarter--hold up--this entire year has been the biggest challenge of personal strength and looking back on it I feel like I can get through anything! Maybe it sounds a bit melodramatic to put so much self worth behind school and classes, but I feel like my life has been eventful in so many ways this year. 1. School was damn hard. I survived, for better or for worse, with spirits intact...so I consider that a success. 2. Health problems? That came out of nowhere...with a hospital stay due to meningitis and a miracle quick recovery that allowed me to finish out my quarter on time. 3. Allowing myself to be wholly vulnerable--with myself and others, through community (Autoclaves, Ecuammunity), through learning to ask for help of friends and realizing that I don't always have to fulfill the self imposed role as the "strong one." Also, in finding unexpected love that challenges me daily to look for the beauty in every situation encourages me to channel that beauty and make it the forefront of my life experience. I'm realizing that life is a journey that doesn't require me to always take the lead and am realizing how easy it is to let down my guard and share my soul with someone who approaches life with similar passion and earnestness. It's safe to say I'm in a happy place right now.

MY NEW JOB IS BOMB.COM. I'm a nurse tech on the oncology [cancer] floor at UW Medical center. I clean up a lot of pee, have gotten pretty tight with the blood pressure cuff (ha), and can make a mean bed in 100 seconds. But, the heart of why I'm there lies in the incredible population of people I work with. It's such a different experience of oncology with adults vs. children. Connections are more powerful with adults and a wisdom is brought to that relationship where I feel a sense of honor and pride in being able to share in their lives. They are some of the most beautifully spirited people I have met in my life. Yesterday was thought provoking. I finished my first 40 hour week. All of my patients have been great but one couple stands out to me because theirs was the first room I walked into on my first day. I've worked with this particular patient everyday. She is a very sweet, middle aged lady and her husband is equally gentle and good humored. He never leaves her side and is very active in her care. She recently received a bone marrow transplant and I answered a call light to a startled and bewildered face as she held up a fistful of her beautifully black, full, waist length hair. She had begun the road of chemo treatment that would inevitably result in complete hair loss. The nurse and I offered to cut it so we put it in a ponytail and cut maybe 14 inches off. I asked her husband if he'd like to keep it and he just laughed. But, when he looked at his wife once regal with her mane of sleek black hair, now chopped up and short--pillows black with what had falled out on its own, the mixture of worry, compassion, love, and realization painted his face with an expression that wrenched my heart into a knot. He quietly and calmly asked me for a bag because he decided that he wanted to keep it. She had on a brave face and smiled at her new "light" look, but I witnessed an exchange of a glance between the two of them that made me retreat into her bathroom on the pretense of recording Is and Os when really I let out a few shaky sobs and tried to regain composure. I've seen a lot of bald patients undergoing terrible things to their bodies, yet today was the first time the gravity of a cancer diagnosis hit me like a brick. The love between the two of them was so tried and true that I felt like if any couple could withstand an obstacle like cancer, these two could. With impeccable timing, Jimmy texted me to remind me of a quote from Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning that says, "love goes far beyond the physical person of the beloved; it finds its deepest meaning in the spiritual being--the inner self." What a beautiful reminder of the consistency and depth of real love. We're lucky that there's a lot of love on 7NE.

R-

jump!

hello summer!

Seedy CD

I think there was a shooting a few minutes ago on my street.

Three gunshots and then sirens.

I can't wait to move,
R-

They Don't Love You Like I Love You

head EXPLOSION.

Sasquatch was awesome.

Devotchka, Mos Def, Doves, Kings of Leon, and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs were absolutely great.

Actually, everything was absolutely great. I've never been to a music festival where I've not had to "endure" a band to hear another band, if that makes sense. I was in the moment for every single song really appreciating the beauty that was around me, the friendship and love surrounding me, and the sunshine soaking my skin. It was great to be away from school, living the dream. We arrived at 10 on Friday night in Jimmy's rumbling Suburban, set up camp among thousands of tents and next to an orange VW van. Friday night was a huge party, meeting people from everywhere, singing songs, dancing in circles. I thought of Woodstock and how this is the closest I'll ever get to that kind of experience. It was beautiful. We slept quickly and started the day by waking up to intense heat that would permeate throughout the entire day. We got in there and it was great music after great music. There was not one band that I didn't enjoy and I was overwhelmed at the beauty of the gorge. It was such a beautiful backdrop for all these artists, especially Devotchka. At one point, the singer of Doves turned around and played to us with his back to us, so he could take in the beauty of his surroundings. Mos Def even commented on the view, telling us to turn around at the moment the sun was setting. The night ended with Kings of Leon. We danced for awhile and then tangled up in a blanket watching the stars. I felt so in love with life at that moment. I didn't want to move...ever.

And now we're back. I'm still on a cloud but I'm remembering that I'm sick and experiencing setbacks from being on the go all weekend. It was well worth it. Thank you, friends.

You already know how this will end,

R-

Gone Phishing

"Things are falling down on me
Heavy things I could not see
When I finally came around
Something small would pin me down
When I try to step aside
I move to where they hoped I'd be."

That about sums up my quarter.

But, there are checkpoints to get me through. There are many things to look forward to and this summer is measuring up to be the best one EVER!

-Saturday Kipp and I play at Quadstock, the same night as Talib Kweli. So, it's a stretch, but you could say I'm opening for one of the most successful rappers in alternative hip hop. Plus he's friends with Mos Def. (!!!)
-Next weekend is SASQUATCH and FOLKLIFE. Camping, music, hippies. Can't wait.
-My grandparents are visiting for Alex's graduation. Double whammy.
-Camping over July 4 weekend, learning to wakeboard, being in love.
-Phish at the Gorge. 'Nuff said.
-Block Island. Large family. Fun to be had.
-AUGUST 14 RACHEL TURNS 21.
-Summer in Seattle: a chance to enjoy my city in the sunshine :)

See? Life is good. Sometimes I need to make lists to remind myself.

Breathe In and Out

Note to self: Deep breaths and one day at a time.

Next week I'll be laughing at myself, but this week is hard.

And I want to crawl in a cave and wait for it to be over.

Thank God for the love in my life.

Ultimately, it's not my agenda. This too shall pass.

Clarity, please?

R-

Ecuaphotos

Sharing a laugh and a smile with the men at Damien House, an inpatient center for patients overcoming Hansen's Disease.

Snuggling with Yemilex at the Semillas after-school program.

Diego (el amorito de mi vida), Jonathan, y Fran

Veronica, Abrahm, Wellington, y Kipp: The Universality of paz y communidad

This picture just makes me smile.

Communidad

Con Lupe, la mama del viaje. (Kipp, Charlene, Maggie, Lupe, Ashley)

Amigas nuevas y viejas y para todos los dias. (Micaela, Diana, Maggie, Lindsey)

"Team Awesome" (My cooking/reflection team: Kari and Andres)

El grupo.

Iguana Park

I'm on a bridge, I'm on a BRIDGE, take a good hard look cuz I'm standing on a bridge.

At the top of Guayaquil

Ciao Ecuador, mi amor.
Un foto vale un mil palabras.

p.s. photos courtesy of Natalie Chan

New Beginnings

I promise a post about my incredible adventure in Ecuador is coming soon. I need about a week of solitude to process my thoughts and figure out how to articulate them in a way that does it justice. It's hard to capture such deep and rich emotions into something as tangible as words, but I'll do my best. Stay tuned...

In other news, today was my first day of peds oncology at Children's Hospital. I loved it! Oncology is something I've always been interested in, but I never thought I'd want to work with kids in a nursing setting. I absolutely love kids but there is something terrifying about being responsible for their health. Anyways, I'm on the hem/onc floor in one of the most beautiful hospitals I've ever seen. Having spent some time there with a friend this summer, it was cool to return as a quasi employee and see it from a different light. I had a variety of patients today, got to hold an adorable bubbly baby, and had the opportunity to witness many manifestations of resilience from some incredible kids. Most notably was an 18 year old girl, her head shiny and bare from numerous chemo treatments and her mood less than thrilled to be back in the hospital after a relapse. She was in a double room, sharing with a baby also undergoing treatment. The parents of the baby stepped out for lunch and the baby was sobbing, so the girl wheeled her IV pole over to the baby and picked him up. I walked in to see her cradling the child, telling him how beautiful he was and how strong he was, encouraging him to stay fierce and that he'd survive. The image of these two beautiful children and the encouragement and comfort each provided to each other was something absolutely powerful to witness. It hit me pretty hard and I slowly retreated out of the room, recognizing the power of that moment and not wanting to interrupt. I left the day encouraged and excited for the possibilities that will come from this quarter! It will be a challenge, for sure, but an experience I'm looking forward to.

Again, stay tuned for an Ecua-update,
R-

Three- Two- One

After reading that last post, I've got a huge, ear-to-ear smile on my face. It's funny what life throws at us (or hands to us, but because of procrastination feels like an unforgiving fastball) and how it all works out eventually. Granted, my "issues" consist of getting through school--something I'm lucky to attain, so I shouldn't really be complaining at all, but it's all relative and I'm working through what I've got. My point is this: time keeps going. Whether I'm ready or not. Moments will pass. Joyous moments, sad moments, stressful moments, awkward moments. They all dissolve and blend together into a muddy swamp of time. Eventually it becomes hard to decipher what was felt when, and I find a lot of comfort in that when I'm apprehensive about the days ahead. There was a point two weeks ago where I didn't feel like I'd ever make it to the next Monday, yet here I am...surviving not only that Monday but a week and a day later to Tuesday! Life is good! I've got two exams before Ecuador...perhaps a little stressful, but Ecuador is going to come whether I'm ready for those tests or not. It's comforting that I can release a little of my desire to micromanage to the inevitability of time passing.

Whew. And here is Ecuador! I never thought it would get here! It still seems a little surreal, but it's coming at a good time. We've prepared and prepared for the adventure ahead, but I hope that I can get all of my wiggles from this quarter out on the plane so I can approach the week with a pure heart and clear mind. I want to find a place where I can be present with those around me and fully immerse myself in the experience. I'm anxious to be vulnerable and malleable. Please think of me next week!

And I'm back to the books,
R-

An Update.

Where did February go?

I opened my electric bill on Tuesday after what I thought was only a week of neglecting it. Turns out, it had been almost a month and I opened it the day it was due. Shoot. I had to frantically collect from the roomies and mail it off, all the while rolling my eyes at myself. What am I doing?! I can't seem to hold my life together. I have a home visit and write up due Monday and I haven't even spoken with my patient's caregiver yet. I have a group project meeting in two hours and I'm writing in this blog instead of doing some very necessary research. I thought to myself, "self, why are you getting on blogger instead of reading up on appalachian mountain children?" and I came to the necessary conclusion that I need to take a minute to sit and think. Not about school, not about work, not about clinical, not about anything. I need a moment to think and appreciate.

So here I am. It's March 5. The quarter is drawing to a close and I'm scrambling to keep up with it. In this scramble, I've been alerted (by 3 of the dearest people in my life) as to how I have a tendency to self-isolate when I'm stressed. I'm not stressed...I don't like that word. A lot has been occupying my mind as of late and in working through that foggy mess, I've left some important people by the wayside. For that, I'd like to sincerely apologize. I'm a closet introvert. Maybe I'm not in the closet and my introversion is fairly obvious, but I have a nasty habit of closing up like a clam when I feel overwhelmed. I'm working on that.

That said, now that the light at the end of the tunnel is slowly dissolving this cloud I've wrapped myself in, I feel just as overwhelmed, but in a more productive way. I am so thankful for my community. For my best friend who had the courage to phone me up and shake some sense into me, for my friends here at school who are just as concerned for my wellbeing as they are for theirs, for everyone who showed up (or tried to) to Battle of the Bands to show their support, for my parents who are always no more than a ferry ride away when things get tough, for friends far away who send me emails filled with encouragement and stories about the amazing things they are doing. I have a great life. I have great people in this great life. I am one loved human being and at this moment I am overwhelmed with gratitude and love. So, thank you everyone.

I am still learning,
R-

Did You Know I Was Struck by Lightning Seven Times?

Now that the water fountain coming out of my eyes has stopped and my nose has ceased its running I have to process some of the beauty of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Though a different kind of beauty than the Fall or Baraka, Ben Button gave me the almost uncomfortable feeling that I was intruding on something too intimate for anyone but those involved to understand. My investment in the characters grew as they did; that is, my heart was fond of Benjamin from the beginning backwards, while it took me a little longer to fall in love with Daisy as she grew up. This film embodies every manifestation of love and connects it to the cycle of each person's existence. It gives hope that someday we will all have the same opportunity for those different kinds of love, but that we'll only realize it in looking back because we're too young to fully grasp that now. I am moved.

"Life can only be understood looking backward. It must be lived forward,"
R-

Inauguration Day

This is a letter written by Alice Walker, Pulitzer Prize winner for The Color Purple, to our president Barack Obama. I received it in an email and thought it worthy to pass along.

Dear Brother Obama,

You have no idea, really, of how profound this moment is for us. Us being the black people of the Southern United States. You think you know, because you are thoughtful, and you have studied our history. But seeing you deliver the torch so many others before you carried, year after year, decade after decade, century after century, only to be struck down before igniting the flame of justice and of law, is almost more than the heart can bear. And yet, this observation is not intended to burden you, for you are of a different time, and, indeed, because of all the relay runners before you, North America is a different place. It is really only to say: Well done. We knew, through all the generations, that you were with us, in us, the best of the spirit of Africa and of the Americas. Knowing this, that you would actually appear, someday, was part of our strength. Seeing you take your rightful place, based solely on your wisdom, stamina and character, is a balmfor the weary warriors of hope, previously only sung about.

I would advise you to remember that you did not create the disaster that the world is experiencing, and you alone are not responsible for bringing the world back to balance. A primary responsibility that you do have, however, is to cultivate happiness in your own life. To make a schedule that permits sufficient time of rest and play with your gorgeous wife and lovely daughters. And so on. One gathers that your family is large. We are used to seeing men in the White House soon become juiceless and as white-haired as the building; we notice their wives and children looking strained and stressed. They soon have smiles so lacking in joy that they remind us of scissors. This is no way to lead. Nor does your family deserve this fate. One way of thinking about all this is: It is so bad now that there is no excuse not to relax. From your happy, relaxed state, you can model real success, which is all that so many people in the world really want. They may buy endless cars and houses and furs and gobble up all the attention and space they can manage, or barely manage, but this is because it is not yet clear to them that success is truly an inside job. That it is within the reach of almost everyone.

I would further advise you not to take on other people's enemies. Most damage that others do to us is out of fear, humiliation and pain. Those feelings occur in all of us, not just in those of us who profess a certain religious or racial devotion. We must learn actually not to have enemies, but only confused adversaries who are ourselves in disguise. It is understood by all that you are commander in chief of the United States and are sworn to protect our beloved country; this we understand, completely. However, as my mother used to say, quoting a Bible with which I often fought, "hate the sin, but love the sinner." There must be no more crushing of whole communities, no more torture, no more dehumanizing as a means of ruling a people's spirit. This has already happened to people of color, poor people, women, children. We see where this leads, where it has led.

A good model of how to "work with the enemy" internally is presented by the Dalai Lama, in his endless caretaking of his soul as he confronts the Chinese government that invaded Tibet. Because, finally, it is the soul that must be preserved, if one is to remain a credible leader. All else might be lost; but when the soul dies, the connection to earth, to peoples, to animals, to rivers, to mountain ranges, purple and majestic, also dies. And your smile, with which we watch you do gracious battle with unjust characterizations, distortions and lies, is that expression of healthy self-worth, spirit and soul, that, kept happy and free and relaxed, can find an answering smile in all of us, lighting our way, and brightening the world.
We are the ones we have been waiting for.
In Peace and Joy, Alice Walker

Happy Inauguration Day!
R-

Dreams Create Change

"True compassion is more than flinging a coin at a beggar; it comes to see that an edifice which produces beggars needs restructuring." --MLK 4.4.1967

Happy Dr. Martin Luther King Day,

R-

We are the change!

Wow, can I just gloat for a minute about having the best job in the entire world? My time at Gatzert with Treehouse has been so formative and inspiring. I swear, I learn more from these kiddos than they do from me.

Friday I was given the opportunity to walk with my kids during their annual MLK march to Jefferson and around 13th back to school. They had made signs that said stuff from "peace" to "don't drink and drive" and what they deemed other important messages. On the flipside, half had decorated their signs with pictures of Obama and the others had MLK's face glued onto their rulers. The entire school, Kindergarten-5th grade, teacher, principals, custodial staff, lunchladies, volunteers, etc marched together for peace and remembrance. It was a beautiful thing. One of my kids, Rosy, held my hand and we yelled "We can do it! Yes we can!" the entire half hour. It really charged me to see a sea of kids in front of me and behind me yelling "We are the change!" and sincerely believing it! For so many of them, they've been broken by "the system" and have been labeled as dumb or troublemakers or not worth it. For this half an hour, every student believed in him/herself and each other and it brought tears to my eyes to witness that. I am so proud of them and so energized at the beauty of these kids. Their hearts are in the right place, and I think we can all learn from that.

Enlightened and inspired,
R-