This is how it goes...

Tonight I am celebrating my evening off from homework by wrapping myself in a blanket, making mashed potatoes from a box, and eating jalapeno stuffed olives to
a) console myself that at least I ate something for dinner and
b) warm myself from the inside out since my front door picked the perfect chilly day to crack in half.

That's a pretty fair representation of my quarter so far.

fish are jumping and the cotton is high

Just when I thought the tunnel couldn't get any darker, some higher being decided to pity me and slingshot me into this big, bright, wonderful world again. In other words: school's out for summer (yeah!) This last quarter--hold up--this entire year has been the biggest challenge of personal strength and looking back on it I feel like I can get through anything! Maybe it sounds a bit melodramatic to put so much self worth behind school and classes, but I feel like my life has been eventful in so many ways this year. 1. School was damn hard. I survived, for better or for worse, with spirits intact...so I consider that a success. 2. Health problems? That came out of nowhere...with a hospital stay due to meningitis and a miracle quick recovery that allowed me to finish out my quarter on time. 3. Allowing myself to be wholly vulnerable--with myself and others, through community (Autoclaves, Ecuammunity), through learning to ask for help of friends and realizing that I don't always have to fulfill the self imposed role as the "strong one." Also, in finding unexpected love that challenges me daily to look for the beauty in every situation encourages me to channel that beauty and make it the forefront of my life experience. I'm realizing that life is a journey that doesn't require me to always take the lead and am realizing how easy it is to let down my guard and share my soul with someone who approaches life with similar passion and earnestness. It's safe to say I'm in a happy place right now.

MY NEW JOB IS BOMB.COM. I'm a nurse tech on the oncology [cancer] floor at UW Medical center. I clean up a lot of pee, have gotten pretty tight with the blood pressure cuff (ha), and can make a mean bed in 100 seconds. But, the heart of why I'm there lies in the incredible population of people I work with. It's such a different experience of oncology with adults vs. children. Connections are more powerful with adults and a wisdom is brought to that relationship where I feel a sense of honor and pride in being able to share in their lives. They are some of the most beautifully spirited people I have met in my life. Yesterday was thought provoking. I finished my first 40 hour week. All of my patients have been great but one couple stands out to me because theirs was the first room I walked into on my first day. I've worked with this particular patient everyday. She is a very sweet, middle aged lady and her husband is equally gentle and good humored. He never leaves her side and is very active in her care. She recently received a bone marrow transplant and I answered a call light to a startled and bewildered face as she held up a fistful of her beautifully black, full, waist length hair. She had begun the road of chemo treatment that would inevitably result in complete hair loss. The nurse and I offered to cut it so we put it in a ponytail and cut maybe 14 inches off. I asked her husband if he'd like to keep it and he just laughed. But, when he looked at his wife once regal with her mane of sleek black hair, now chopped up and short--pillows black with what had falled out on its own, the mixture of worry, compassion, love, and realization painted his face with an expression that wrenched my heart into a knot. He quietly and calmly asked me for a bag because he decided that he wanted to keep it. She had on a brave face and smiled at her new "light" look, but I witnessed an exchange of a glance between the two of them that made me retreat into her bathroom on the pretense of recording Is and Os when really I let out a few shaky sobs and tried to regain composure. I've seen a lot of bald patients undergoing terrible things to their bodies, yet today was the first time the gravity of a cancer diagnosis hit me like a brick. The love between the two of them was so tried and true that I felt like if any couple could withstand an obstacle like cancer, these two could. With impeccable timing, Jimmy texted me to remind me of a quote from Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning that says, "love goes far beyond the physical person of the beloved; it finds its deepest meaning in the spiritual being--the inner self." What a beautiful reminder of the consistency and depth of real love. We're lucky that there's a lot of love on 7NE.

R-

jump!

hello summer!

Seedy CD

I think there was a shooting a few minutes ago on my street.

Three gunshots and then sirens.

I can't wait to move,
R-

They Don't Love You Like I Love You

head EXPLOSION.

Sasquatch was awesome.

Devotchka, Mos Def, Doves, Kings of Leon, and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs were absolutely great.

Actually, everything was absolutely great. I've never been to a music festival where I've not had to "endure" a band to hear another band, if that makes sense. I was in the moment for every single song really appreciating the beauty that was around me, the friendship and love surrounding me, and the sunshine soaking my skin. It was great to be away from school, living the dream. We arrived at 10 on Friday night in Jimmy's rumbling Suburban, set up camp among thousands of tents and next to an orange VW van. Friday night was a huge party, meeting people from everywhere, singing songs, dancing in circles. I thought of Woodstock and how this is the closest I'll ever get to that kind of experience. It was beautiful. We slept quickly and started the day by waking up to intense heat that would permeate throughout the entire day. We got in there and it was great music after great music. There was not one band that I didn't enjoy and I was overwhelmed at the beauty of the gorge. It was such a beautiful backdrop for all these artists, especially Devotchka. At one point, the singer of Doves turned around and played to us with his back to us, so he could take in the beauty of his surroundings. Mos Def even commented on the view, telling us to turn around at the moment the sun was setting. The night ended with Kings of Leon. We danced for awhile and then tangled up in a blanket watching the stars. I felt so in love with life at that moment. I didn't want to move...ever.

And now we're back. I'm still on a cloud but I'm remembering that I'm sick and experiencing setbacks from being on the go all weekend. It was well worth it. Thank you, friends.

You already know how this will end,

R-

Gone Phishing

"Things are falling down on me
Heavy things I could not see
When I finally came around
Something small would pin me down
When I try to step aside
I move to where they hoped I'd be."

That about sums up my quarter.

But, there are checkpoints to get me through. There are many things to look forward to and this summer is measuring up to be the best one EVER!

-Saturday Kipp and I play at Quadstock, the same night as Talib Kweli. So, it's a stretch, but you could say I'm opening for one of the most successful rappers in alternative hip hop. Plus he's friends with Mos Def. (!!!)
-Next weekend is SASQUATCH and FOLKLIFE. Camping, music, hippies. Can't wait.
-My grandparents are visiting for Alex's graduation. Double whammy.
-Camping over July 4 weekend, learning to wakeboard, being in love.
-Phish at the Gorge. 'Nuff said.
-Block Island. Large family. Fun to be had.
-AUGUST 14 RACHEL TURNS 21.
-Summer in Seattle: a chance to enjoy my city in the sunshine :)

See? Life is good. Sometimes I need to make lists to remind myself.

Breathe In and Out

Note to self: Deep breaths and one day at a time.

Next week I'll be laughing at myself, but this week is hard.

And I want to crawl in a cave and wait for it to be over.

Thank God for the love in my life.

Ultimately, it's not my agenda. This too shall pass.

Clarity, please?

R-